of verb and noun

"Love is a verb"
 i thought it was the most genius quote ive ever heard and quickly agreed to it
but lately i have realised how i have been treating love as a noun

i still remembered at my previous school, i would give the kids there all the love i could give
i give them presents on their birthday, console them when they are crying
i will try my very best to make them happy

but not here, not at this new school
i realized that im becoming heartless
i hated some of the kids
annoyed easily
and did not have fun at all

its not their fault
its mine
im still figuring things out here
it wasnt the best place to be, but it is probably the best for me now

hang in there nani

Ode to a stranger

i felt like writing rite now cause i dont know wat else i can do to express my current state
i felt like i could cry a river anytime now just because of a death of a person i barely knew 
i dont know why his death kinda affected ne emotionally. i'd cry just thinking about it
is it because i was jealous of his death during ramadan? or is it because i actually had a crush on him?
i dont know. but somehow i felt a lost too.

dear adam, i may not know you personally. and wat im feeling rite now might seem crazy, but i pray that Allah grant you the highest jannah cause wallahi, you kinda made me wanna become a better person from now on.i pray that i'd meet someone like you in the future insyaAllah

new life comin!

Alhamdulillah, i got accepted to one of my dream school MH ! and guess what, a day after being accepted, got an iv invitation from another dream school of mine. But im gonna stick to MH just because ive given the principal some hope during the interview.

I have to say that I am quite nervous. This is my first time teaching a secondary school. of coz last time i did taught The boys from DM but this is different. this is an integrated school, not just a maahad. plus, im gonna be teaching English! *gasp

I need to work harder, gotta learn a lot of new things, and
cannot play play anymore. Allah has helped me a lot, please make me one of those grateful servant Ya Rabb. Help me to become a great teacher here in MH.

At the same time, I am quite sad to live AKH, im gonna miss the kids especially and my only best friend Iffah. Please protect the ones i love Ya Rabb.

Thank you Allah for everything

trust issues

i am not kidding when i told you i have trust issues
in Islam we're not allowed to have suuzon but i think not trusting someone is permissible as long as u dont accuse them of doing things that they dont
what i meant by not trusting someone is that i would probably avoid having any close relationship with them, wont trust them with any of my secrets, wont really talk to them or actually i would avoid making friends with them 😅
that proly explain why i have so little friends.but i dont think these situation applies to me only, i guess a lot of us will felt this way especially when you hit 30. Mainly based on personal experience.

the reason why i posted this because i just wanna list out types of people whom i have trust issues with

1) Girls who wear too much make unless there are in industries that requires the heavy make up
Reason: Heavy make up = fake face representation 

2) Girls who dont cover their aurah properly
Reason: if they can openly disobey Allah, what else can there be.

3) Wives who wears tight cloth n tabarruj
Reason: You are married, who else you tryna impress? besides i have exprience with parents of this kind, it is saddening 😔

4) ustaz
Reasons: i work with a lot of ustaz, nuff said.

5) selfie freak
Reasons: i just dont trust narcistic people

6) people who talk and laugh loudly
Reason: dont have a specific reason, its just that i know u need be extra careful with this kinda people

7) dishonest person
Reason: if he/she is dishonest in a certain thing, it is not impossible that he/she is dishonest with other things

i guess thats it for now. I always pray to Allah to give me friends that would make me closer to Him, and forbid befriending those who would lead me astray. Alhamdulillah i think Allah had fullfill my doa 😊

Allah knows

As promised, gonna write as frequent as i can, so here i am

so yesterday, i finally quit home tutoring this one kid. Alhamdulillah felt better. But i was shocked to know that the mother did not take my decision to quit very well.
I admit, i did not commit to his son, i canceled our class quite a lot of times BUT with reasons. Even if im feeling a lil too tired is still considered a good reason to cancel the class.
and this mother did advice me on this, she hoped i would be a lil bit commited in teaching his son. I tried, believe me i tried. Her son is a handful, her house is not that near may I add, and i could complain on a lot of other things but i didnt cause i know im just an employee. I bought books for her son without a single claim. 

I have no heart in teaching her son but i did anyway cause I pity him. I dont think anyone else could have stand him. and so i continue teaching him. but then got a news that the mother contacted my friend, probably to offer her become her son new tutor. And being the thoughtful person that I am, i decided to make it easy for her by quiting. I told her honestly that I cant commit and that next month im gonna be even busier with my studies. I suggested her to look for someone more profesional and can commit to his son. I told her this with the nicest sentence that i could have used and she replied rudely. No words of appreciation, none.

She even told my friend that I suka PONTENG. Allahuakbar. whenever i canceled a class I will always replace it with another. Unless I Am SICK. But she told my friend that shes frustrated and that she rejected me. She even tried to tell my friend that im overcharging her.

First of all, I REJECTED her, mainly cause I know that i can no longer commit, and she should be thankful that i was being honest. Secondly, Ponteng is a harsh word. You can say that im not commited but dont say I ponteng!Thirdly, i enjoy teaching your son, even tho he could be ahandful sometimes, good luck in finding someone that can stand him.

dear mak cik, congrats, u have hurt me. You even tried to convince my friend that it was all my fault when all i did was being honest. If i continue but cant commit, the damage would have been worse.
I cant believe that someone like u exist. no respect at all towards the person who had sacrifice her time and energy for your kid. you are a great cook, but i will never buy food from someone like u.

U may continue bad talking about me to your friends, go ahead. Allah knows my intention and yours.

ive met parents like this before, and the kids usually did not perform in their studies. go figure.


Assalamualaikum, Hai

last post was 8 months ago 😅 i should have written more.
welp, an update
currently working at this new islamic private school, quite similar with the previous one. but still cant beat the old one. I am not enjoying myself here but I try. Allah send me here for a reason or more. I should be grateful. I realized that the most important thing for me in choosing the right workplace would be the environment. i dont mind on the payment or annoying bosses. I just want to work at a place that practices sunnah, takes care of ikhtilat, colleagus dont bad talk each other, just like my old workplace

but here, Allahu, the name says islamic school, but they dont really practises islam 😔 it is saddening but theres nothing i can say or do. I am applying for other schools tho, whatever thats  good for me insyaAllah.

On love life, the heart is currently empty and im okay with that Alhamdulillah. I am currently focusing on making my parents happy and is trying to fullfill their needs. I honestly have trust issues these days. I find it hard to trust anyone especially men. But I know Allah will always guide me in choosing the right person in life. recent event had really open up my eyes. Allah ya rahman ya rahim. Indeed Allah is always nice to his servant. It is us whom always did zalim to ourselves.

ive lost around 10 kgs okay since last year. but since i went to terengganu last weekend, ive gained 3 kgs 😅 terengganu was too amazing. i dont wanna live there tho 😂

anyway, gonna write more frequently now cause im probably gonna be an english teacher insyaAllah.

Sang Pencipta itu baik sekali
so many things to be sad about
of the darken heart
the dissapointed sister
the terrible past
the uncertain future

Oh Allah, you know whats in my heart
fix it ya rabb 😔